I think as days pass thru this Oh-Ten, and age creeping up, i’ve become more naggy, more impatient, more no-nonsense old hag and definitely thinking more motherly-like. Not an excuse for being an asshole but i guessed maybe i ought to grow up and ta-daa, i think i did this year.
Upon reaching 30, i’d say Not bad, i’ve done stupid things, fun things, cool things and definitely shameful/tabooed things. I’d say i’ve lived my life fully. Im not saying it this way thou, “‘Im a champion. I’ve experienced soo many things before man!!”, but, more like “As i’ve been in that position before, … …” kind. Alas, im not that stupid. I know everybody is entitled to their own opinions and face each problems their own way. Therefore, i learnt to give and share and leave it to others to interprete it. Im learnt to leave it at that.
Sometimes i sigh, sometimes i laugh, sometimes i get annoyed, sometimes i get surprised. Life’s like that. Sometimes, and what ifs. I learn as i live each day. I learn to breathe happiness everyday and not let minor problems affect it. But i also learn that i am my own master of happiness, and unfortunately, also my own master of sadness, problems and fate. When i was a lot younger, i often whine to myself why didnt things go my way. I cried a lot to myself, cause fate wasn’t good to me.
When i had to make a decision to leave someone so i can be a lot happier with that other someone, i didnt ask for anybody’s opinions. I remembered i have noone to ask, share and dissect my problem. Cause i thought nobody would understand perfectly what i was going through. I decided to go through with it. I went through the worst days of my life trying to make a big decision that would change my future. I went through all of that ALL ALONE. Im not beat up about it. Im not whining about it. Im not crying out loud now thinking about it. Im not petty. But i wished i shared the problems. Always, 2 heads are better than one and few more heads wouldnt hurt. Im a welcomer of opinions and i’ve never push away advises, grouses and frank talks.
Having making that decision and to standby it, was very difficult. I had to face my father, my mother, him and his angry friends, his family all on my own. So many thoughts came to my mind. I was living in shame. What would my parents think, what would my uncles n aunties think, what would my cousins think. What made it more difficult was that he did nothing wrong. He was faithful, he treated me like a queen, he was all nice. I had to choose. The new man, who’s all nice, or the long-time boyfriend/fiance who’s always been nice. I knew i had to choose. One with a future i more or less had accustomed to and probably knew how it would be, or the one whose future im not familiar with. I chose the one whose future im not familiar with. I just had to. I know if i stay, my future will probably end up how i visioned it will be. I don’t want any of that.
Now fast-forward 5years, im glad i make that decision. Of course, there are days where in anger, i regret making that decision. But more often than not, i was whole-heartedly glad. I glad i made that move to want out. Im glad i meet this man and im glad that although our married life is often a hell-ride of a rollercoaster, i stayed anyways cause i know he’s the one. I married THE ONE. No regrets even when i know he’s damn annoying fucker.
So, when there are days i moaned and getting all arsed by him, i always make myself rewind back to 5years back and remembered all the reasons i chose him. People always say to themselves, “I know it’s not going to be easy.” but do they understand what it means, how it’ll feel and how hard it’s gonna get? I try to teach myself to live with no regrets. Living with no regrets, are my main drive in life.
That’s what i want to share with the others. Live your life with no regrets. Life is afterall a gift. but happiness, is a right. You have the right. Therefore, You own the right.